It's Been A While

     I've decided to begin blogging again after stopping consciously because of some things people said to me.  I can write a blog if I want, you don't have to read it if you don't like it.  I need to reach out and not doing so had a negative affect on my mental health.  I can't afford that right now, and so I shall begin again, but with more experiences under my belt to help me not offend.
     I went through a really difficult summer and hit rock bottom.  I was not anything that I wanted to be and Trent was very patient.  The last straw was when we sang "Know This That Every Soul is Free" in choir.  I could not handle the title or the line "to choose his life or what he'll be," and stormed out of church.  I was not free in any way; choosing my life or what I'll be was not even possible.  I still struggle with people not understanding this and they think that if I just had a better attitude or exercised I would feel better.  Again, none of these feelings were my choice.  I didn't do anything to bring them on and therefore could not do anything to change them.  A friend helped me call my doctor and I was prescribed new medicine, paxil and depacoate.  They are finally working and I feel great.  Now I am free to choose my life and what I'll be.  If I sin I can choose to repent or not, I can stop negative thoughts in their tracks, I can choose not to even have negative thoughts.  Until you experience true chemical imbalance yourself you may never truly understand.  I guess that is another reason I blog; to create greater understanding, not attention or pity, for the infirmity.  I am glad that in the resurrection I will no longer suffer with this affliction and I will have full use of my faculties without pharmaceutical intervention.
     While my medicine was still kicking in, someone felt the need to judge instead of offer their help and called social services.  Child protective services showed up at my door on a particularly bad day and told me someone I had confided in, trusted with my struggles, and thought to be my friend felt that I was a danger to my children.  Instead of coming to me and helping me clean the clutter out of my mind and house she tried to break up my family and get my children taken away.  Can you imagine what a tragedy that would have been for my kids?  Breaking up a family is the last resort, not the first.  My kids are loved, safe, and happy.  I foster independence and teach my children responsibility.  That is not neglect. 
     I was really hurt for a few days and then I decided to take the opportunity to improve myself in such a way that I am now above reproach.  It really has been a blessing in disguise and I have been led by the Spirit almost constantly ever since.  What a change!  (Not for my lack of effort, though.)  My house is now clean and I am reorganizing, clearing out, and, best of all, creating new habits.   The cleaner my house became the more I cleaned and the less overwhelmed I felt.  I now do chores almost all day and am an even better mother than I used to be.  I feel less overwhelmed and happier.
     The only part about this experience is that I feel betrayed and I am having trouble letting go.  My bishop advised that I do so immediately and I have yet to follow his sound advice.  I really want to, but when you trust someone and treat them like family and they treat you with judgmental disdain, it takes awhile to get over it.  I forgive her and actually thank her for the opportunity to improve myself faster than I would have with her friendly help.  I am more of the person I want to be than I thought possible.  I now have hope for the future which is something I didn't have before.  I now realize that with hope my trials aren't so momentum arresting.
     In the beginning I consoled myself with the thought that it was a stranger passing by and seeing Adam out in the yard by himself and thought he was much younger than he is. That I could handle.  I asked around and everyone said it was not them. One of them lied to my face.  I have trouble with that.  I require honesty in relationships and do not believe in lying at all for any reason.  I am not angry with you, just hurt that you thought so little of me when pretending to think highly of me.  I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same.  I actually hope not.  I would like us to truly be friends.  I would love to trust her again and be able to help her when she struggles.
     I am a coward and don't want to confront her face to face.  I don't want to get yelled at or accuse her.  Even though I was not told who, it was obvious, by the specific complaint and the timing of the social worker's appearance, who put this in motion.  The claims were unsupported and I want to put the negative behind me and take what I learned with me.
     So if I was less of a coward I would say to her, "I forgive you.  Thank you for helping me more quickly learn what God wanted me to learn.  No one is a perfect parent.  Nothing bad has ever happened to your children while they were in my care and I would think that you would have been more understanding and less judgmental.  I would have never treated you the same way and I hope that we can get past this.  Please forgive me for offending you to the point that you felt you could not come to me with your concerns.  Please forgive me for my faults.  I will get over my hurt quickly because I do not want it to color my life any longer.  Let's stop pretending.  I forgive you, but that does not mean I have to trust you again right away.  If you no longer want to associate with me because of that, I understand.  Not everyone can be kindred spirits immediately.  We are very different people and I respect that.  I will not force a relationship you do not want just because I have no family around to turn to.  I will turn to others for friendship, but I think we can both enrich each others' lives if we could have a second chance.  I leave it in your hands."
     I could have said mean things that might be true and feel good the second they were out of my mouth, but they would not be true or feel good the second second.  Does anyone have some advice on how to let this go and move on other that take it to the Lord?  I am doing that already.  Does it always have to be such a slow process?  Or can it be faster if you desire quick healing of the soul?