Comments, Please

     I have had enough of Adam peeing or puking in my bed.  Changing my sheets more than once a week is more laundry than I can stand.  As Elder Uchtdorf said, "Stop it!"  That advice could apply to anything.  For insdtance, my kids are watching TV before getting ready for school, "Stop it!"  Adam pees in his pants, "Stop it!"   I eat too much, "Stop it!"  I whine and cry about my lot in life, "Stop it!"
     You see, it is good for every situation.  Since the revolving door to the stomach flu hotel won't let me out and on my way, I have decided to just be not my ideal size for my sister's wedding.  So what if my SIL is already my ideal size and is wanting to loose more.  So what if all my sister's are skinny and I am twice their size.  None of them are as funny as me, nor do they have 80's hair.  If I have to be fat, at least I am snarky.
       So what if they all dance better than me, at least I am uninhibited on the dance floor and make shapes with my body that could rival Elaine.  Who cares if other people think rude things about me, I don't have to think those same rude things about myself.  I can justify my weight problems with my ill health over the last 12 years.  I can justify my eating habits by reminding myself about the periods of forced starvation that lasted for a cumliative 2+ years.  It's not like I asked to be anorexic.  It's like the babies growing inside me sucked all that was healthy out of me so that I was left with very little to sustain myself.  No wonder I am tired all the time.  No wonder I am sick a lot.  No wonder I cringe at the thought of fasting and reducing my caloric intake.  Subconsciously I am terrified of ever having to go through months of starvation again.
     I find it interesting now that I am no longer, "the hottest chick in the ward," I am dwelling on that former title given to me by the 14-year-old brother of our R.S. president when T and I were first married.  You see, no one ever complimented me to my face back then.  I only recieved compliments to my face after Bennett was born.  I do not remember being told that I was intelligent.  I had to figure that out for myself.  Even then, I wasn't the smartest sibling.  No one told me I was pretty.  My sister cried when she found out that she looked more like me than my tall and skinny sister.  No one complimented my skin.  No one found my achievements worthwhile.  I had to determine what others thought about me, especially potential dates, with no outside help.  Now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I realize that my misconstrued ideas were way off, but I still do not know the truth. 
     For instance, the only thing Trent told me about what Bonnie said about me is that I was marriage hungry.  I had to reassure him that even though I wanted to be married, I wasn't going to marry the wrong person.  I still have no idea if her first impressions of me were positive.  I know she thinks good things about me now, but what about then?  Trent doesn't remember that his relatives and friends said anything about me, good or bad.
     So, without sounding too needy or crazy, I would like to know what your first impressions of me were.  Don't spin your memories, it won't hurt my feelings and I won't think ill of you.  I just want to know how I came off to others before I became who I am now.
     With that being said, I don't know how I come off now, but memories of the past are things that can't hurt me now.  Current thoughts may still have the power to injure my sensitive soul.  I don't know if I want to leave the fairy land I live in now where people see me as a kind person who loves others and tries her best to be friendly to all.  That is my intent and my desire, so that is how I must be taken, right?  Anyway.
     I tried to get Trent to tell me what he thought of me back then and he says he doesn't remember.  I find it highly suspicious that none of you told him what you thought about his new girlfriend.  I remember that Diana told me herself that she thought our relationship was progressing too fast and that she didn't want him to date me.  She only told me that after we were engaged and she liked me.  I had no problem with that because she was operating under the assumption that we met and immediately started dating.  We had three months of friendship to get to know one another before he even asked me out.  I don't think that is moving too fast.
     Just to jog your memories, I met most of you on the 24th of July, 1999.  We were at Salem Pond and Trent brought me to the family gathering because I was all alone that day.  My family went somewhere, I don't remember, but because of work and other commitments I had to stay home by myself.  Trent did not want me to be alone so he volunteered to let me be with him and his family for the day.  I thought it was a big step we were not ready for, but agreed because I didn't want to be alone on the holiday just after my birthday, which was depressing on it's own.  I felt akward and had no idea what to talk to you about.  I went home thinking it could have gone much better if I wasn't such a nerd.  Is that enough to bring anything to mind?
     So I state again, don't be nice because you don't want to hurt my feelings or look bad.  Don't worry about it.  I am different now and that info is not relevant to who I am now.  I am just curious how people saw me and if I was way off base about how I presented myself.  I want to put my true self out there and if I don't know how to do so, it will never happen.  Honesty without sugar coating is the best way to go here.  Even if you want to remain annoymous, that is fine with me.  If you aren't family, feel free to tell me about your first impressions of me.  None of you will be thought badly of for telling me the truth.  If my blog won't let you post a comment, then email me or write me on facebook.  Some of you have told me that my blog is selective on who it allows to comment.  Don't let that stop you from spilling your guts.  Thanks.