My New Lifestyle

 I was cleaning my stove top yesterday with a razor blade and noticed the blade had a rust spot on it.  I rinsed it and then scrubbed it with a paper towel.  Little did I realize that my finger was in the way and that razor blades cut through paper towel.  

 After removing my fingerprint on my left index finger, I am now ready for a life of crime.  My first heist will be stealing healthy snacks from the grocery store so that I can eat my normal afternoon snack and still lose weight.  
Next, I plan on sneaking my car into the body shop to fix all the recently acquired scratches and dings, then sneak it out.  (Evil maniacal laughter here.)
Finally, I will force the jewelers to fix the loose diamonds in my wedding ring.
 Oh wait, all my evil planning doesn't need to be enacted to get what I want done.  I think my finger will heal before I get the chance to let out a few bwa-haa-haas.  So much for my life of crime.