Yesterday marked the beginning of SEP Conferences for our school. We were one of the Lucky families to get it done in one block of time as soon as school let out. I don't want to talk about it. I am already depressed about my life and I do not need to ruminate on anything else that makes me feel like a failure.
I was awakened this morning a little after six by Bennett's new electronic drum set he got for his birthday. Hmmm, maybe I made a mistake thinking that letting him follow his dream as a purcussionist was a good idea. The drum set thing is really cool, though. You can even plug in an MP3 player, if we had one, and drum along to the song. You should hear him beatbox, too. This kid has talent! So much so that we could be the next family band (one of my favorite shows as a kid, by the way). I could be the lead singer, Trent could be my bach-up, Esther can play the piano, Bennett can play the drums, Ava can stand in the back and scowl, Adam can dance and play the harmonica, and JD can clap along and hit me in the face. Unique and fun, right?
I've always had a craving for the stage. I think Unicorn Theater fulfilled more than my desire for positive attention in my double digit years. Automatic friends and doing something I was good at saved me from a fate worse than death. After reading SweetandSassy6's blog about her dream to be of service in Mexico, I started to think about my bucket list, which includes a return to the stage in a community theater production of The Music Man. This terrified me, though.
I watched a movie recently and heard a song that succinctly say what I have been worried about my whole life. Like Job, the thing I fear most happens all the time. You all know what it is like to have trials and be sad, but do you know what it is like to be terrified of the opposite. Madeline Bray from Nicholas Nickelby describes it best when she says, "Do you know what it is like to be afraid of happiness?" Now I am paraphrasing, but in essence she says that all good things in her life have been a trick, "a painted drop behind which other troubles lie." Her words were the catalyst for the epiphany I had while coming home from carpool this morning. A song played on the radio by a group I've never heard of, but I've heard the song. I think it was Wallflowers or something like that and the song was Broken Head Light, maybe. Anyway, the song had a line in it about dying from broken heart disease.
That is what is happening to me. I had all these hopes and dreams for my life and I have had nothing but disappointment at every turn. Even my blessings have a catch that makes them not so much a blessing, but a curse. I am afraid to get what I really want because I know that there will be something in that gift that ruins it. It is like getting a birthday cake and taking your first bite only to discover that it is made of dirt instead of chocolate. Yes, you got what you wanted but it isn't really what you wanted and you are more disappointed than before and wish it had never happened in the first place. After having that happen every time anything good happens in your life you become a little jaded, hardened, and afraid to hope, dream, and wish for the future because nothing good is ever going to actually happen to you while you watch everyone around you receiving what they wish for after their struggle to get it. I feel like my life is full of struggling through the trials to only have those trials end with greater trials. The true blessings never come that God promised. The blessings I get are just a trick, or, "A painted drop behind which other troubles lie." You lose faith and I do not want that loss of faith to continue.
You've seen the donkey being led by the ride carrying a carrot on a string just out of reach, but I've always thought that when they reach their destination, the rider gives the donkey the carrot. I guess I was wrong and so unlike that stupid donkey, I've wised up and just sit there when presented a carrot on a string because even if I do get a taste of the carrot it will only be a piece of wood disguised as a carrot.
So I have decided to try and find a cure for broken heart disease; to practice more faith. SweetandSassy6, thank you for helping me try to overcome my fear of hopes and dreams with your example. Being in community theater was the first thing that came to mind as I mentioned before and from there the list became too long to write in completion, but I will tell you my first 20. Some items are similar to my last dreams to do list, but these are more specific and vague at the same time. The others still apply, of course. The list is now longer.
1. Go on a cruise to somewhere I can speak the language and do not need to wear a bathing suit in public; sans children, of course.
2. Never throw up again. Yes, I am still not feeling well. That is 8 days by the way. No I am not pregnant.
3. Travel the world on a book signing tour.
4. Meet Matt Damon, Mark Whalberg, and Collin Firth.
5. Learn to dance with Derek Hough. That one made my stomach flutter just a little. Boom chicka wow wow!
6. Be called to the Young Womens organization.
7. Watch my husband become a High Priest.
8. Send my sons on missions and see them return home honorably.
9. Feel the Spirit at my sister's wedding and be moved to tears.
10. Wear a pant size in the single digits again.
11. Own a house with closets and a storage room that isn't falling apart in St. George so that my husband can have time to go back to school, lift weights, play basketball, have a calling that requires time and effort for more than a few minutes each week, and so that people will come visit us.
12. Something that is too embarrassing to mention. It should be my number one item because it is what I want most in this world. I won't tell, don't ask, and don't be curious because you will never guess, so just forget about it and pretend I didn't mention it. (It does need to be on the official list though, that is why it is mentioned.)
13. Attend a prestigious bowl game where BYU wins in a blowout.
14. Never change one of my kids' poopy diapers again.
15. Bungee jump (I've already done this, but I want to have a chance to go to the bathroom before hand so I don't pee my pants and have that detract from the experience).
16. Own a grove of trees with a comfy reading area.
17. See the sun rise from a mountain peak.
18. Sleep through the night.
19. Read one of my stupid romance novels without my kids interrupting me during the kissing scenes. (I don't read dirty ones. Just ones written by Mormons and Christians.)
20. Have enough time, energy, and faith to attend the temple once a week.
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