Busy, Busy, Busy

     We finally figured out how to hook up my computer to the Internet after three-and-a-half months.  Tech pro I am not.  Anyway.  Here is an update on all that is going on.
     I have started taking Welbutrin and I feel so much better.  One of the side effects is weight-loss.  The problem with my old one is weight gain.  So I am loving this side effect.  I have lost 22.8 pounds since October.  Ye-haw!!!!  I now fit into my fat pants again.  I never thought that would be something I would be excited about (never thought I'd be so fat either).  Hopefully I will have the strength to lose another two pant sizes before the wedding in April.
     My cousin is getting married in April as well and I am so happy for her.  She has been dating this young man for quite a while and seems so smitten.  I lived with her family my junior year of high school and learned what a pistol she is.  She teaches English at Wasatch High in Heber.  I might have taken a similar road had I not thought therapy is where I belong (yes, I know I set myself up for that one).  I now believe I should be an author and I hope that things go better for me in that career choice.
     The downside of being an author is rejection.  I received my first non-descript rejection letter last week while suffering from the stomach flu.  When it rains it pours, huh.  I still have the flu, but I feel ok enough that I can get things ready for Bennett's birthday today.
     Bennett is such a sweet boy that his only concern this morning was that, because I've been sick, he doesn't have a treat to give his classmates.  I promised to drag myself out of bed and get one for him.  Before I do that, I wanted everyone to know what a sacrifice it is for me to make my son's birthday special and show how much I love him.  I wouldn't do this for just anybody, including most of you (no offence).
    The only problem with the heap of troubles that I am experiencing is that the timing is so awful.  Ok, that's not the only problem.  I lied.  I really feel strongly about moving to St. George and know that I can't at the same time.  I had a dream about it the other day and I now feel hopeless about the situation because the dream felt so real.  Sometimes my dreams are almost prophetic for me and I have a hard time telling which ones are real and which ones are a figment of my imagination.  Prayer is the only way to tell and right now I am questioning my ability to feel the spirit because of that stupid rejection letter.
     You see, I felt so inspired while writing the story and I really thought that my book was going to get published.  I felt inspired to send my book to the publisher I did and thought it would be published by now.  That is not the case and they didn't even have the courtesy to tell me why the chose another book to publish.  They used words like, "extremely competitive," and ,"busy schedule as a justification for rejection.  Well, just so you know, I have read many of the picture books they publish and mine is way better than those.  Somebody should be fired for not being in tune with the Spirit.  Or, maybe I should just stay in bed all the time because I really wasn't inspired and my book really is crap. 
     I know that rejection is part of the game, but I thought I would be spared the torture because God was, "leading me by the hand."  Why put all that energy, heart, soul, time, and money into something that was really just a delusional decision?  Where did I go wrong?  Am I not good enough of a person to know when I feel this Spirit?  I am so confused.  I thought that discernment was one of my spiritual gifts given to me because I, "was taught at His feet."  I chose to follow Him with all my heart in the pre-mortal life and I was given many spiritual gift because of it.  So what happened?  What did I do so wrong that I have lost that connection and gift?  Why wasn't I warned that when I had children it would ruin the life I had planned and change everything about me?  Don't get me wrong, I love my children and always planned on having them.  I just didn't plan on the personality and physical 180 it would bring.  I do not like most of that change.  I like the kindness and the less judgmental parts, but everything else is a negative, including my loss of personal revelation.
     I thought that you needed revelation more as a mother, so why would I lose it when I need it most and plead for it more?  What happened?
     Enough of the rhetorical questions and pity party.  This post will conclude with a list of my blessings:
     I have a roof over my head (albeit a leaky and moldy one).
     I have lovely children.
     Bennett is obedient.
     I still have hair and not one of them is gray.
     We got our tax return so we can fix what is broken on both our cars.
     I am losing weight.
     My shoe size didn't get bigger when I had babies.
     I live in a city with no stop lights, clean air, and very little traffic.
     I didn't throw up today, even though I feel like it.
     I guess I am not really into counting my blessings because they are kind of back-handed ideas, but that's all I've got today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.